My Testimony - Part 2

As I left off part one, I was 15, a newly saved camper.  I could still take you back to that place today, sitting in an adirondack loveseat just outside the huge tent we called the Tabernacle, surrounded by some very precious ladies.  One of them is still my best friend to this day.  Another was one of the young adults from our church, who had gone to camp as a counselor.  She had just gotten saved the day before.  In fact, it was her testimony that she had given that night that had given me the courage to face the conviction that I had been fighting for so many years.  She and I were very similar.  We were both the daughters of deacons at our church.  Both of us had taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School classes.  I remember thinking that if she could come to camp as a counselor and stand up before the entire congregation, admitting that she had been living on a false profession and had finally accepted Christ, then I, too, could face my pride.  So, that night, I wrestled with my past, finally admitted that the profession I had made as a little girl hadn't been real.  I had simply been jealous of my big brother, wanting what he had but not really understanding what it had all been about.  Yes, I had said a prayer, but it hadn't been from my heart.  In the years to come, I couldn't even remember praying.  You see, there's no magic in a sinner's prayer.  Anyone can say words, but God sees the condition of our hearts.  But that night at camp, I meant what I prayed, and God heard my prayer from a contrite heart, and He saved me that night.

So, I had finally gotten victory over my past.  I was saved!  Praise the Lord!  But, quite unfortunately, and I'm sure unwittingly, someone asked me a question that night that would haunt me for years to come.  That question was this:  Do you feel like you connected with God?  And I began to think.  I don't know.  What does it feel like when you connect with God?  Is it some magical feeling?  Sparks, maybe?  Or is it just like my mama told me it would be when I finally met the man that I would marry:  you'll just know.  The more I thought on it, the more distressed I became, because I didn't know.  What if I hadn't connected with God?  What if I had done something wrong?  And thus, the seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and would haunt me for years.  There were times when I would be fine, not struggling at all.  But there were other times when I was worried almost sick.  I can remember nights when I would listen outside my parents' door, listening for their snores (maybe they won't be too mad if they read this!) so that I would know that the rapture hadn't come and I hadn't been left behind.  And I struggled with this in silence.  Once again, I let my pride get the best of me.  I had already admitted to my false profession as a child.  What would people think now if I admitted to the doubts that I was having?  I didn't even tell my parents until years later. 

My victory over the doubts finally came when I realized that my salvation does not depend on how I feel.  A very wise and godly former pastor of mine used to quote this verse quite often:  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked:  who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9).  We live in a society in which everything is based on emotions.  That is very dangerous.  Your emotions will lead you astray.  You can't trust your heart.  I know that that goes against what we've all heard, but it's true according to the Bible.  What we can trust is God's Word.  When I would go back and revisit the night of my salvation, I would realize that I had done what God's Word had told me to do in order to be saved.  I had confessed and repented of my sins, and asked God for His forgiveness and salvation.  I trusted Jesus, and His death on the cross, and His resurrection.  There is nothing else.  That question that had thrown me for such a loop for all those years - do you feel like you connected with God? - I realized didn't even matter.  It didn't matter if I felt like I connected with God or not.  Again, my feelings don't matter.  What matters is what does God's Word say?  And according to God's Word, I am saved.  If those doubts ever try to creep up again, I fight them with Scripture, and I always get the victory.  Thank God for His Word.  It's the only sure thing that we have in this ever-changing world.