My Testimony - Part 2

As I left off part one, I was 15, a newly saved camper.  I could still take you back to that place today, sitting in an adirondack loveseat just outside the huge tent we called the Tabernacle, surrounded by some very precious ladies.  One of them is still my best friend to this day.  Another was one of the young adults from our church, who had gone to camp as a counselor.  She had just gotten saved the day before.  In fact, it was her testimony that she had given that night that had given me the courage to face the conviction that I had been fighting for so many years.  She and I were very similar.  We were both the daughters of deacons at our church.  Both of us had taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School classes.  I remember thinking that if she could come to camp as a counselor and stand up before the entire congregation, admitting that she had been living on a false profession and had finally accepted Christ, then I, too, could face my pride.  So, that night, I wrestled with my past, finally admitted that the profession I had made as a little girl hadn't been real.  I had simply been jealous of my big brother, wanting what he had but not really understanding what it had all been about.  Yes, I had said a prayer, but it hadn't been from my heart.  In the years to come, I couldn't even remember praying.  You see, there's no magic in a sinner's prayer.  Anyone can say words, but God sees the condition of our hearts.  But that night at camp, I meant what I prayed, and God heard my prayer from a contrite heart, and He saved me that night.

So, I had finally gotten victory over my past.  I was saved!  Praise the Lord!  But, quite unfortunately, and I'm sure unwittingly, someone asked me a question that night that would haunt me for years to come.  That question was this:  Do you feel like you connected with God?  And I began to think.  I don't know.  What does it feel like when you connect with God?  Is it some magical feeling?  Sparks, maybe?  Or is it just like my mama told me it would be when I finally met the man that I would marry:  you'll just know.  The more I thought on it, the more distressed I became, because I didn't know.  What if I hadn't connected with God?  What if I had done something wrong?  And thus, the seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and would haunt me for years.  There were times when I would be fine, not struggling at all.  But there were other times when I was worried almost sick.  I can remember nights when I would listen outside my parents' door, listening for their snores (maybe they won't be too mad if they read this!) so that I would know that the rapture hadn't come and I hadn't been left behind.  And I struggled with this in silence.  Once again, I let my pride get the best of me.  I had already admitted to my false profession as a child.  What would people think now if I admitted to the doubts that I was having?  I didn't even tell my parents until years later. 

My victory over the doubts finally came when I realized that my salvation does not depend on how I feel.  A very wise and godly former pastor of mine used to quote this verse quite often:  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked:  who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9).  We live in a society in which everything is based on emotions.  That is very dangerous.  Your emotions will lead you astray.  You can't trust your heart.  I know that that goes against what we've all heard, but it's true according to the Bible.  What we can trust is God's Word.  When I would go back and revisit the night of my salvation, I would realize that I had done what God's Word had told me to do in order to be saved.  I had confessed and repented of my sins, and asked God for His forgiveness and salvation.  I trusted Jesus, and His death on the cross, and His resurrection.  There is nothing else.  That question that had thrown me for such a loop for all those years - do you feel like you connected with God? - I realized didn't even matter.  It didn't matter if I felt like I connected with God or not.  Again, my feelings don't matter.  What matters is what does God's Word say?  And according to God's Word, I am saved.  If those doubts ever try to creep up again, I fight them with Scripture, and I always get the victory.  Thank God for His Word.  It's the only sure thing that we have in this ever-changing world.

New Adventures

As it turns out, there's not much fun about recuperating from surgery.  I'd say the biggest upside is a lot of sleep that I wouldn't ordinarily get.  Well, that and the cookie delight that I made myself the night before going in for my surgery.  But after the anesthesia, pain meds, and the tube down my throat, even that tasted funny.  Mostly, it's just been a lot of soreness, boredom, no appetite, and watching from the sidelines while others take care of my baby, thankful for their help but missing my snuggles like crazy.  I'm truly thankful that I've got a husband and family who are willing to jump in and help while I'm down and out.  Meanwhile, I've felt pretty useless around here this past week.  But, life goes on.  Wyatt hasn't slowed down one bit.  In fact, he's taken walking up to a new level.  He's been taking a few steps here and there for a month or so, as he took a notion, but has still been crawling as his main mode of getting around, especially if he was in a hurry.  But a couple of days ago, he decided that he really wanted to walk.  He's still a little wobbly-legged, but it's one of the cutest things that I've ever seen.  I cheered him from my arm chair, wishing that I could get in the floor with him, but glad that I was at least awake to see it.  Life is speeding up around here!

My Testimony- Part One

When I was thinking and praying about starting this blog, I had about a million different thoughts running through my head.  What should I share?  Where should I start?  Would anyone even read it?  Well, regardless, as I lay in bed last night, unable to sleep, I decided that the best place to start, for me, would be where my Christian life began.  I struggled with assurance of salvation for a very long time.  In talking with other people, I realize that I'm not alone in this.  Many people struggle with this, so I'd like to share my story.

I had made a profession when I was four years old.  My brother, who was six at the time, had gotten saved, and if you know anything about what it's like to have a sibling, you'll understand when I say that I didn't know what it was all about, but what I did know was that he had something that I didn't have, and I was jealous.  I went to my parents, telling them that I wanted to be saved, too.  They tried to put me off, assuming, I'm sure, that I wasn't old enough to understand, but I was not to be deterred.  Having been in church all my life, I knew just enough to make me dangerous.  I knew all the right answers to their questions, even if I didn't understand what it meant.  Eventually, I was not to be put off for any longer, I prayed a prayer - and here I will interject that in the years to come, and even to this day, I cannot remember this - and was baptized.

Years passed, and the Lord began to deal with my heart.  I began to experience the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  If you have experienced this, you understand me when I say that it is not pleasant!  But then I was faced with a dilemma.  The Holy Spirit told me that I needed to be saved, but I argued "but I've already been saved!"  And then, as I wrestled with the whole matter, there was that nagging voice that whispered "But what will people say?  They already think I'm saved.  I've taught Sunday School classes and Vacation Bible School classes.  What will they think if I tell them now that I'm not saved?"  Isn't it funny how Satan uses our pride against us?  I wrestled with these thoughts for years.  Thank God for His longsuffering.  I'm glad that He gives us more than one opportunity to be saved.  It was the summer of 2000, at Camp Canaan, when I was fifteen years old, when I finally came to terms with the fact that I did, indeed, need to be saved.  I was finally ready to admit that the profession that I had made when I was a child had not been real, but only a child's jealous need to keep up with her brother.  I'll save the second part of my story, which deals more with my lack of assurance, for another day.  For today, I'll simply say "thank you" to God for not giving up on me.  I hope that you know Jesus as your Savior.  It's the most important relationship that you'll ever have.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog...please pardon the mess!  It's a work in progress, just like me!  I've got so much on my heart that I'd like to share, and I've not exactly decided in which direction I'd like to head with this blog just yet.  I'd like to share the things that the Lord has laid on my heart, along with tips and tricks from the glamorous life of a stay-at-home-mom to a rough and tumble little boy!  There will probably also be recipes, and who knows what else!  Most of all, I want to please my Savior, and be a help and blessing to all those who may cross my path.